Conflicted, Afflicted

I am conflicted.

It is about a boy. 

What else is new?

I feel that I may be in grave danger of once again repeating the same mistakes I always make. I may be in danger of settling for someone, and not even knowing it.

I feel so strongly for Mika, and I want him so badly. I cannot help it, truly. My heart cannot be stopped by the fact that he is so dreadfully out of my reach.

This other boy, this new boy, is very different from Mika. For one, he likes me. I do not mean to be vain in saying so, but it is fairly obvious. I am so weak when it comes to flattery;mostly, I suppose, due to the way I was treated and seen, especially physically, for so long. This weakness sometimes tends to make me think that I have feelings for somebody, which gets me into trouble not long after starting something with that person. I lose my attraction to them just as quickly as it was born.

And then I end up hurting people.

We are similar, I suppose. We both do not do any drugs, except for moderately drinking and the occasional cig, if you count that, because we have both learned our lessons. We both love art. We went to school together for a couple years. We both like dorky sci-fi, and he is one of the few people I have met who has watched and loved Firefly and Serenity. Most importantly, we have both known loss. We have both lost friends to tragically premature death. I don't know, it means a lot to me when people know what that is like, because it is truly not the kind of thing you can just understand through any kind of explanation. 

I do not think he is as bad as people seem to think he is.

People say he is trouble.

I was a bit afraid of him at first,

but now I realize;

I am the trouble here.

I am the threat to him.

I do not like being so dangerous.

I probably seem so ridiculous and annoying and disgustingly self-important and conceited when I tell people what I am. I must seem like an open book who thinks other people care about my stupid personal shit or whatever, because I am so forthcoming with the facts that I am bipolar, and that I have experienced a lot of crazy, terrible things. I suppose they do not realize that I am trying to warn them;I am trying to protect both them and myself. A lot of people are afraid of people like me, with problems like I have. I do not want anybody to grow close to me and then find out the truth, and go running. I do not want anybody to go into a relationship (whether it be friendship or something "more"), without the knowledge of what they are getting themselves into. The pain will be worse for us all if we do not see it coming. If we, or they, rather, do not see it coming, it cannot, will not, be prevented, and everybody will hurt.

Agh.

Maybe when I go to college, I will pretend I do not have these problems.

Who knows?