Always There

He is always there, in the back of my mind and my heart, on the soles of my feet, the back of my neck, my ribcage, my hipbone.

I have been doing better lately, I have not been thinking about him nearly as much. I still think about him every day, but it isn't every half hour.

I had the dream again last night. I was so hoping I would not have it this month, but I guess it was inevitable, especially with Valentine's Day just around the bend. I cannot remember how long it has been since I have gone a month without having the dream. Jesus, could it be a year now? I guess so...damn. Wow.

I hate it when we talk about repressed/suppressed memories in psychology. I hate how the people in the textbook or on the videos, or even Mr. Magrinat, say that memory repression hardly ever exists, and it's kind of a myth, a psychological misconception born from Freud. They haven't experienced it. They don't know what it's like to suddenly one day remember the death of the person you loved, to remember that that person even existed, after years of repression. So fuck you, people who say that stuff. It's not really your fault, but it still hurts.

I hate when people make fun of suicide and SI. I hate that sometimes I do, too. Maybe I am just trying to play it all off. I don't know. All I know is that they are all afraid. So, so afraid. That's why they joke. They're afraid, but they don't even realize it. God, if they had seen what I saw, they would realize their fear. His gun, his blood, his pills, the note he left behind for me...but I would never wish that upon anybody. I would never wish for anybody to see that every day in their mind, to dream about that blood every fucking month.

No, that's not true.

I would wish it upon his parents, in a heartbeat.

Where do you draw the line between suicide and murder?

Jesus Christos, that was a fucking annoyingly angsty post. If anybody for some strange reason read any of this, sorry to waste your time. I have not left my house in days due to sickness, and I'm getting a little stir-crazy. >_<

Hasta la vista, bitches.

:)