Trying Again

So yeah, I'm trying again.

Obviously I won't keep this up this time.

The only blog I've been able to keep consistently was that Xanga I updated religiously for maybe a year and a half. That was then, this is now.

Now, I hide that shit on the inside. I think it's better that way. I don't really care about many people at school knowing the "real me." I have people who know me, and I know them, and we love each other very, very much. I'm not looking for quantity, I'm looking for quality. And let's face it; there isn't exactly an abundance of quality human beings in this world. Not by my ridiculous standards, at least.

I don't really feel like doing a huge about me thing right now. Too much shit in my background, I've retold it all countless times to therapists, friends, blogs, Microsoft Word, etc. I'll write about that all gradually I guess(as if I'll write in this blog over a period of more than one or two weeks). Mostly about the people in my life. The characters that my life revolves around. They are probably the most relevant to my day-to-day life. My fucking BORING day-to-day life. More like minute-to-minute, really...

So here's what's going on right now.

I'm sitting on my computer, like usual, being a total fatass loser. Whatever. Also as usual, I have another window open on facebook, lurking to the side of this one. I have just enough of facebook showing to watch the little minimized chat thing in the corner with the name "Mika Schakowoski" on it. Next to his name there's a little grey crescent moon thing. That means he's "idle" on facebook chat. Fuck my life. I've been saying that a lot lately. Fuck my fucking life. 

He likes boys a good deal better than he likes girls. That's my biggest problem right now. He says that he's "probably more gay than [he thinks he is]." He's probably right. I adore him. He adores me. I am never so confident in saying that somebody adores me, but he does. As a friend. Friend.

The feelings I'm having for him tend to put the "end" in "friend."

Maybe this would all be easier if he didn't have that unbelievably endearing Brazilian accent...

if he didn't smell so spicy and clean and wonderful...

if he didn't have that little gap between his two front teeth...

if he hadn't introduced me to Yelle...

if he didn't have those high polish cheekbones that he hates...

if we didn't watch ShamWow commercials together at three in the morning...

if he hadn't made me bagels and coffee without even asking, just knowing...

if we had ever needed two cups, two bottles of water, two meals between us, instead of one...

if we hadn't fallen asleep with our faces three inches apart.

I'm getting tired of this "if..." format. Next entry, I'll just talk about him I suppose, and how crazy beautiful the boy is.

I have to go watch Battlestar Galactica now.

Seriously though, I look forward to this shit ALL week long, and in the season premiere last week, we found out that Ellen's the final cylon, and they found Earth, and Starbuck found her corpse, and all this other stuff.

Yeah, I've been freaking out.

I can't wait to text Carl after the episode's over.

SO SAY WE ALL.