If I Could Sleep Forever

(title is from the song Sleep by The Dandy Warhols; go listen to it, it's amazing.)

I am in over my head. The play I'm directing is already freaking me out completely, mostly due to Mr. Martin, and it's only been a week; we haven't even begun rehearsing yet. 

I am so weak right now. I didn't start feeling this bad until four fifteen or so. At four fifteen I took a half hour nap. Then around six I went back to bed, and slept until nine. It hurts so badly to walk. My limbs are like jello, but then at the same time they feel like dry old bones. Like those cow bones I used to dig up with my mom and my cousins when I was younger, in the forest behind my grandmother's house. They easily could have been a hundred years old. We would bring them to the ancient gazebo in the woods and pretend to be archaeologists, cleaning them up and displaying them on the gazebo table. They were so dry. There would be pieces chipped off of many of them, and you could see their insides. I can't even explain how it looked, but that's how what I feel like I'm made out of; the insides of old cow bones. 

Once we found a deer skull. It was also really old. Part of the hard outer bone of what I guess you could call the muzzle was broken off, so you could see what was under the bone. It was so strange. I don't quite know what it was...maybe long ago deteriorated cartilage or something. It was basically like tissue paper. Rolls of delicate cream-colored tissue paper. It was truly quite lovely, as morbid as that may sound.

I have to go now, there's this terrible pressure behind my eyes, I can't keep them open any longer.

Until next time, loves.

Tagged

I was tagged by Julie at Candy Hearts to make a poem starting with the second letter of my last name. Sorry it took me forever to do this, I've just been so busy.

Apples float into my head

through the tiny stereo in my ear (its twin is in yours).

I can't see them,

But I feel like

they're probably red.

You say you want to show them to me

because I'm glow-in-the-dark;

We just can't see the dark

in this summer sunshine,

sand between our toes.

I could say the same about you.

There's sunshine straw

that's soft between my fingers

sleeping on your head, slipping over your crown,

and your eyes, 

each a dark little dot

with a pale and bright blue light behind it

pushing around its silhouette

and contained by a fine but strong navy ring,

burn circles into my mind.

I can't see them,

but I feel like

they're probably red.

I tag Adma.

And by Adma I mean Adam.

AAAAAAAAAH

OH DEAR LORD. 

THE JACKET IS BACK IN STOCK!!!!!!!!!!!!

Unfortunately, it's only back in stock in camel and not the navy or black, but it was in medium, and I just ordered it, and I feel like I'm going to die of joy. Seriously. I will die of joy and be buried in that fucking glorious piece of outerwear. It doesn't even show up when you're browsing the urban outfitters website. I was searching for it on google, trying to find somebody selling one secondhand or something. Lo and behold, I came upon a link to the product's page...and it was magically back in stock! My guess is somebody returned one...and I got it!!! Oooh lord...I haven't been this happy in weeks. First a totally amazing episode of BSG, and then the return of what seems to be me in jacket form.

Mmm...everything is beautiful.

:D

I Divorced Him

I facebook divorced him.

I clicked the x next to his name for the first time in four weeks.

I told him what I could

of what is in my head

and he said nothing back.

I said goodbye.

He said nothing back.

That was when I cancelled our relationship

And clicked away his box.

I am trying to feel liberated

but I can not get out of that box

that I just clicked away.

Separation is not organic

for me.

It has always been a conscious decision

Not to play with Barbie dolls anymore

To put my stuffed animals in a bag in the attic

To teach myself to stop being ticklish

To stop watching Dragon Tales

To assume No Contact status

and forget about that person

and that attachment.

I do not grow out of things

and I never have.

It was always more like

I was never a child

just a little adult

who knew what year it was

and when it was time to move

to the next stage in my childhood.

Artificially created childhood.

Yeah.

This afternoon I finished the drawing/painting I started yesterday for Michael. I think I might visit him tomorrow in the hospital and give it to him. Poor kid. 

Always love.

Wishlistin' and Guitar Playin'

I've been making my birthday wishlists online. So far I've done my F21 one and almost finished my UO list. It's actually really fun picking stuff out. Of course, everything I've picked out is clothing...>_<

I want to start writing some music again. My guitar finally has new strings, and it's b-e-a-utiful. I know I'll totally suck when I pick it up again. I have to wait until I have a good chunk of time home alone to play. No way am I playing with other people around to hear me. Not until I get better again. I miss writing and playing my music, as terrible as it is/was.

I went to the new Ikea this weekend and had a panic attack. Then I got carsick on the ride home from Charlotte, and we got stuck in a traffic jam for forty miles. Fun. I did get some cute lace curtains though, finally. 

I wonder if I'll even be able to find any of my picks. I hope I can find my favorite one. It's a thick medium sized clear red plastic one with little holes in it. It's been my favorite since seventh or eighth grade.

My new steel strings are so shiny. They're just glinting at me from the corner of my room. I can't wait to play again.

:)